I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
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