I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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