I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
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