I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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