i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
