I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize