I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
