Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
