I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Randomize
