If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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