I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
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