Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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