Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
