my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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