also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
