I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
