Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
