i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
