We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
