why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
