I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
