My girlfriend figured out who you are.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
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I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
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I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
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