capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
