sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I lost the right to judge tonight
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
