i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
