I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
