I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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