it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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