and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon