I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked