Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
