I must be too annoying 4 u.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
