...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
