He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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