after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
