Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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