Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
