I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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