I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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