i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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