my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
