ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
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