Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
porn star boner night. come get it.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
being pregnant is like rehab
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
