Plan B is the new Plan A
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
