"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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