that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
