My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
