My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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