At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
