i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
