then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
