Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
