my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
