i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
