Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
