Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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