I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
