Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Randomize
