The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
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