Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
