Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
i just made my gag reflex go away.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
