he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize